It's been seven months since Papi passed away. Sometimes I mourn, sometimes I'm just numb. Other times I'm in a daze as I watch the days pass and not a single thought about Papi comes to mind.
Yesterday Val asked me if I was ever going to contribute again at Babalu because I haven't posted there in a while. I gave him a short answer that I'm not sure it reflected what I really meant to say.
Seven months ago my life changed forever. Like in history there is a before and after Christ, and in Cuba we say a before and (hopefully) after Fifo, in my life there is now a before and after too. Before Papi's death and after his death.
Who I was on October 7th, 2006 no longer exists. Whoever I was then, died on October 8th, 2006 when I was able to confirm Papi's passing. Something inside me changed; I changed. The weird thing is I don't have a clue of what changed. My priorities got shuffled and re-ordered. All of a sudden a lot of things were not important and a lot of things were.
I sit here trying to figure out who thisi new person is, where my passions lie, where is my motivation, what are my feelings and I feel lost. Everything takes so much effort to do, and I really don't care if it gets done or not most of the time. It's like having the wind knocked out of you but instead of the wind it's your life.
How can you re-arrange your life when such an important part of it is gone? How can I find out who I am now? How can I discern what the heck changed so I can adapt to this new me I'm encountered with day after day? How can I not break down every time I now see a grandfather with his grandkids and know I will never see that? Or whenever I see an elderly man with his daughter and know I will never have that? Or think about my graduation day, when I get hooded, and survive the fact that Papi
will not be physically present there to tell me how proud he is?
The fight for Cuba is still near and dear to my heart. I'm still passionate about it. I still think of helping someday reconstruct Cuba. But my knack for finding news and making good analysis seems to be dormant....awaiting this period of change to be over.
I feel I have so much to accomplish: dissertation proposal, marriage, family, blogging, and so little time to do it all, that I need to find a new balance within this new person who I am becoming. My life will be forever marked by that day, by that trip; there will forever be a before and an after for me.
So bear with me through this period, until I find myself within this new Ventanita. So to answer Val's question, yes I will contribute again at Babalu, and will probably become a regular contributor - as soon as I know who Ventanita is in this after I'm getting adjusted to.