Monday, March 24, 2008

Today March 24th my life starts anew

No I didn't decide it; life decided it for me say about 5 seconds ago.

The past year and a half has been a roller coaster made bearable thanks to Celexa and Wellbutrin. But bearable does not mean enjoyable. My father passed away, I broke my hand, I got an entire year behind in my degree and I became a madrina.

A year and a half ago my life changed forever. No matter how hard I try I cannot recapture who I was before learning of my father's death. I've come to the realization, that I'm not supposed to go back but go forward. That person is gone and will never come back. Who I am today, is what I need to be concerned with; it's this new person I need to shape

It's been tough dealing with whom I've become, and its been tougher dealing with the lack of motivation brought about by the depression. It has been specially hard because for emotionally handicapped people like me, it takes a while to figure out what changed and how to accomodate.

So, forty pounds later, and depressant free I have discovered that I have a very wide range of emotion, and that I can albeit hard, push myself to accomplish my tasks and my goals.

Exercise, healthy eating and my proposal are my priorities right now. They should lead to pregnancy, a good job and graduation within the next year.

It's scary to feel the way I do; it's even scarier to still choke and break down with the slightest remembrance of my father. The pills have done their job, now it's time to do mine. So I welcome the new me to this world of uncertainties that scares the shit out of me, but that I don't want to miss.

Papi lived his life out of a bottle, and let it pass him by for the most part. I want to embrace ALL of it, the good and the bad. And for those of you that don't know me well this is a HUGE step for me.

I'm sure wherever he and abuela are, they approve; heck I'm positive it was them causing that surge about a minute ago.